Ryan Road Trip
One Year and eight days after the small red, white, and blue American Champion Citabria crashed into the mountains of Cleveland National Forrest… Hank and I went on a road trip.
June Lake, CA
Our first stop was just off the 395 at a lake that holds so many memories, June Lake. It was warm, it was sunny, the lake was crisp and cold, it was perfect. Its always awkward to spread ashes when people are around, so I tried to be as discrete as possible. Before our trip I separated Ryans ashes into 15 small plastic bags. I had one of those bags in the zipper pocket of my shorts. Hank and I slowly walked out to the rock and stood behind it, he was laughing and splashing, I was shaking and crying… but smiling back down at him none the less. I pulled out the bag of my husbands ashes and looked at it with blurry eyes, still trying to accept that this is real. It was the first time I asked Hank if he wanted to help me… I feel like part of him knew what was going on because he paid attention, he got quiet, and he very carefully emptied the small bag of ashes into the water behind the rock. We watched Ryans ashes float to the bottom of the lake, all around us, for a moment he was with us again. Heartbreaking and heart healing in the same breath. This was the first stop on our Ryan Road Trip and for what it was, it was perfect.
Lake Tahoe, NV
Never been, wanted to go, so we went. Just so happened to be lined up on the same timeline with my Dads side of the family! So we spent some unexpected, unplanned, and some precious time together on the lake. Hank and I camped in Truckee on the river with no cell service, just the two of us. We saw a water snake and he made dirt angles before we shared Reeses smores next to the campfire. Then every night before bed we wiped the dirt off with washcloths and snuggled in my sleeping bag on the ground. Magic.
Sun Valley, ID
The whole reason for the Ryan Road trip was the stop in Sun Valley, Idaho. A place Ryan spent a big part of his life skiing with his Dad. A place we visited together before Hank was born and after Hank was born. A very special place.
Up at the top of Mt. Baldy at a very specific group of trees are Ryan’s grandpas’ ashes and one of his favorite hats. Ryan’s Dad put them there many years ago. To get there you take a Gondola ride to the roundhouse, then a ski lift from the roundhouse to the top, then a short hike down to that very specific group of trees. This is where we were taking Ryan and one of Ryan’s favorite hats.
We all took our time with our individual bags of Ryan’s cremains. It’s such a heavy thing letting go of your husbands’ ashes, watching his Dad and his family let go of him too, watching our son in the middle of it all, so curious and confused. It’s in these moments my emotions go into a hiding place tucked somewhere deep into my heart. Maybe one or two tears escape but the rest don’t come out till later. I have noticed that about myself. I can be strong in the moment, then completely fall apart once I’m alone and no one’s around. Typical widow.
Ryan’s Dad tied his hat next to his grandpas and said a few words. Then we all walked away, back up the trail, down the ski lift, had lunch at the roundhouse then finished the ride down in a gondola. The rest of the day is kind of a blur, I’m sure if I really picked my brain apart or went through the photos, I could remember what we did that day. I do remember that night. Just before it got dark, I looked out the window from our hotel room and I could see that very specific group of trees. That’s why it’s a great spot because you can see those trees from anywhere in Sun Valley. That’s when it hit me, that’s when I came out of that hiding place tucked somewhere deep into my heart. That’s when the tears ran down my face and it all sank in. Heartbreaking and heart healing knowing Ryan and his grandpa have the best view in Sun Valley, Idaho.
Yellowstone National Park
Yellowstone was a breath of fresh air…. Literally. It was too close to not make it part of the trip. For three whole days we had no cell service. It was refreshing, scary, and lonely. There are only so many conversations you can have with a three-year-old. Hank LOVED Old Faithful; he did not love waiting for it to “blast off”. He LOVED all the Buffalo and wildlife; he did not love stopping and getting out every time I wanted to take pictures of them. He LOVED throwing rocks into the river; he has always loved that. He LOVED the giant waterfall; he did not love walking around to find the best views. He LOVED sleeping in; he did not love me waking him up early to hit the hot spots before the crowds. He LOVED the rainstorm that hit us in the middle of the night; I did not love breaking down all our wet gear the next morning. We both LOVED Yellowstone.
Grand Teton National Park
I didn’t even know we were in Grand Teton National Park until we drove through the exit. Yellowstone and Grand Teton just kind of merge together. If you didn’t know, now you do. The first time I saw the Tetons it took my breath away, majestic is probably the best word for them. I had to pull over because I would have gotten into a car accident if I didn’t. I starred at them thinking about all the stories Ryan told me about backpacking them with his friend and how the same tent we were using on this trip was the same tent he used on that trip… crazy.
Just outside of Grand Teton National Park is Moran, Wyoming. There is literally nothing there… nothing but Buffalo Valley Ranch! Originally, we were going to stay in a teepee, but we upgraded to a covered wagon! This was the highlight of the road trip as far as places we stayed. So warm and cozy and when it rained through the night it was perfect. I highly recommend Buffalo Valley Ranch next time you’re in Wyoming.
We drove around a lot hitting all the hot spots of Grand Teton National park. I usually just take the park map pull over and plan our day with that. We also spent some time in Jackson Hole which was such a cute and fancy town. Hanks favorite park of Wyoming… the Jackson hole airport.. where we spent a few hours just watching planes land and take off… this kid, it’s in his blood.
Park City, UT
Before we got to Park City there was a pit in my stomach, that hallow feeling in your chest, heartbreaking, heart healing, just all the feels. I knew this would be the hardest stop on our road trip. This was the place Ryan grew up, the place he always talked about, the place we always talked about going together, a place I had never been before.
I couldn’t hold back the tears the first time I saw “Park City” on a road sign, we were getting closer and I could feel him with us. I couldn’t stop crying, it was an eerie feeling driving on the streets of the small town he knew so well. I felt like I knew it through him, I truly felt him with us. I’m not sure anyone knows about this part of the trip. I’m not sure I have said anything about this part to anyone, until now. I pulled myself together parked in my car outside the hotel. Checked in, settled in, then Ryan’s family came over for hugs and comfort and a dinner date, it was a perfect distraction.
The next morning, I had breakfast with one of Ryan’s friends from high school, we shared stories of him then, and stories of the man he became. It was such a special breakfast. After that I met back up with his family and they guided me in what I named it, “The Ryan Tour.” We drove around Park City and they showed me all the houses he lived in, where he went to school, where he worked, and skied, and even the field he used to play lacrosse on.
Our last stop on the Ryan Tour was Park City Mountain. The mountain that overlooks the city he grew up in. We each got our small plastic bags and we each took our time saying goodbye. Heartbreaking and heart healing all in the same moment. Being there with his family in both Sun Valley and Park City, two places he held so close to his heart, meant the world to me. Thank you.
Leaving Park City was just as heavy as arriving in Park City but I’m looking forward to going back and sharing “The Ryan Tour” with Hank when he’s older.
Zion National Park
Zion was a special spot to dedicate to the Ryan Road trip because it is where we decided to name Hank, Hank.
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In April of 2015 Ryan and I visited Zion National park, we hiked and camped, and we listened to a lot of Hank Williams Jr. We were trying to get pregnant; we didn’t know that I was pregnant! We were throwing around baby names getting excited to have one of our own. Ryan said, “what about Hank?!” he was super excited. I just laughed uncontrollably because I couldn’t picture a newborn baby with a name like “HANK” I didn’t say no, but I didn’t say yes… a couple weeks later we found out we were pregnant and we started calling our unborn fetus “Hank” and it just kind of stuck.
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So, Zion is special for that reason, and also because it’s BEAUTIFUL. It is a great place for couples, babies that can be carried in a backpack or carrier, older kids who can walk long distances, really for anyone… other than a toddler. The majority of Zion can only be seen by shuttle and waiting in line for a shuttle can take a long time. What you can’t see from the shuttle bus you have to hike too and hiking for a toddler doesn’t last that long. So, I knew my window for exploring was short, I had it all planned out. We woke up early and got on one of the first buses to the Narrows. The only hike I really cared about, the one I really wanted Hank to see. He did great on the one-mile paved part of it but as soon as we got to the hiking in water part… he fell in and was soaked… so, we didn’t make it very far but far enough to get a feel for it… literally. Hank walked all the way back to the bus with very little complaining. We got off at the lodge for lunch and hung out there for a few hours, then back to the campsite. We walked to the river and saw a mom and baby deer. That night we fell asleep under the stars without the rain cover on. It was perfect and it was our last night together on this road trip and our last night of just the two of us. The next day we were meeting Chad in San Diego and then moving to Hawaii a week later.
I had only been to Zion once before, with Ryan. It is an overwhelming feeling to watch your son walk in his father’s footsteps.
This will probably forever be my favorite road trip. Just Hank and I and Ryan. My heart and soul needed this, heartbreaking and heart healing.
