Three Almost Four
The older he gets, the more he understands, the more questions and unfiltered things come out of his mouth.
This morning it was “Can we go see Daddy? Go to the airport, go to Daddy’s house?”
It stopped me in my tracks, took me by surprise, and tears filled up in my eyes while I tried to collect my thoughts.
What do I say? How do I say it? I need to be consistent with the story. I know this won’t be the last time my soul is shaken to the core and my heart breaks a little bit more.
The hardest part of losing your husband and father to your child is watching the child you made together grow up without him. For him to wonder what happened and to see him try to connect the dots in his ever expanding mind. So, what do I do? What do I say?
Through the tears I say “Daddy’s gone hunny, and he didn’t want to leave.”
“Daddy was flying an airplane and the airplane crashed and Daddy left us without wanting too.”
He looks at me with such curious eyes. He understands so much more than I give him credit for.
I can’t stop crying. My soft tears turn into big heavy sobbing tears and I can’t control it.
He hugs me and holds me tight. He starts swaying side to side and patting my back saying “it’s ok mom, it’s ok” in the sweetest most kind little voice. It makes me smile because his big heart reminds me of Ryan, because half of Ryan still exists in Hank.
I smile and I cry, and I remember…breathe…
Hank leaves me for a minute to run into the bathroom, comes back out with a single square of toilet paper and hands it to me to wipe my eyes.
What on earth would I do without him?
We both just kind of sit there quietly for a minute. He leaves again, to the bathroom, maybe to get more toilet paper?
A few moments later he yells “Mommy I pooped!”
And that’s how it goes with a three almost four year old.
it is similar to the way grief hits me. One minute I’m fine, planning the day, motivated and excited, and one memory, one smile from Hank that looks just like him, one glance at my contacts list on my phone with his photo still in the number one spot on my favorites list, one small airplane that passes by, or one unfiltered curious thought of a three almost four year old, and I completely fall apart.
Grief and love are the only things that truly last forever.
Most of the time I’m ok, but those moments I’m not, the moments that tear my heart out, the moments I realize it’s all still very real, those are the moments that I need to remind myself how beautiful life is how unpredictable it can be and how all the unnecessary bull shit is just bull shit.
Ryan is our superhero; he constantly reminds us how to love, how to live, and always keeps us humble.
That makes Hank half superhero and that’s pretty special for a three almost four year old…