Love After Loss

I’ve tried a hundred different ways and written a hundred different drafts to try and explain what’s happened here, but I simply can’t find the words to describe it, and can’t do him any justice by sharing what he’s done for me…. Im going to try.

Chad has been the most unexpected best friend that I didn’t even know I needed. What we have is extremely unique... We both stopped trying to make sense of it because none of this make sense. 

He knows how to cheer me up when no one else can, a power he doesn’t even know he has. He encourages me to grieve, to ugly cry, and to talk to him about everything I’m going through. Which has created a different kind of trust, a different kind of relationship, a different kind of healing.

 “Grief is a gift that enables us to realize our capacity to love. And that love does not stop just because that person is no longer in our physical space nor does it hinder their ability to continue to show us the love they still have for us. 

If you are able to keep your ears, eyes and heart open to hearing, seeing and feeling the gifts that surround you and have small a space for gratitude, THAT is where healing lies” -Ashley Iverson

He wants to know all about Ryan and the kind of man he was, the kind of Dad he was, husband he was. He wants Ryan to be part of our story forever and to always include him. Hank loves Chad and he is not confused on who he is. I try to be as transparent with Hank as I can be. Trust is built on honesty and I want him to be able to trust us. I keep Ryans memory alive and present, we talk about him every single day.

Chad makes me happy, he makes me laugh, he gets my weird sense of humor, and he gives it right back.

So where did he come from? We met in 2006, dated briefly in 2009, but our timing was always bad. I met him my first day of work at SeaWold (ride operator for journey to Atlantis), I met Ryan my first day of work at Seaworld (dive team). Chad and Ryan went to the same dive school, and were both commercial divers. Chad and Ryan love the LA Kings and hockey... I think it’s safe to say “I have a type” 

They have a lot in common but are also very different. 

Chad currently lives in Hawaii, the long distance gives us both the space to adjust. It won’t be long distance forever and the closer we get the more we talk about it... so stay tuned. 

Im following my heart, letting myself be happy, letting myself be open minded to love after loss, embracing the path that’s put itself in front of us, and living in the moment rather than be eaten alive by the past and all the “what if’s.” The Dark Days, the bad days, still exist. They will probably always exist and I have accepted that. However, I think beautiful things are going to happen, I trust it, I feel it, I believe it, I hold onto it.

No one can teach you how to grieve, no one can prepare you for it, and no one should be judged on their healing journey…

”Just as no two lives are the same, neither are two deaths or the grief that follows within the individuals left behind.” - Ashley Iverson

Xoxo 🦕💚🦖