Christmas Day

Today, I woke up in Ohio with my family and last night we celebrated Christmas, and it was perfect. It was just where we needed to be.

Today, I’ve cried, I’ve laughed, I’ve felt loved, I’ve felt alone, I’ve been happy, and I’ve been so fucking sad.

 Today, I stood in the same spot I stood 4 months ago when Ryan was confirmed dead, right where I took that phone call. Right along that glass rail staring at that dark blue plane.

 Today, I realized the plane hanging right in front of me when I took that phone call is the same type of aircraft Ryan crashed in. 

 Today, I Walked through the same airport we used to pick him up and drop him off and Hank remembers it all. 

 Today he asked, “where is Daddy?” as we walked down the long hallway. I cried. We got to the gate, two-hour delay, I cried. I just wanted to get out of that airport. 

 But then... Today, as I was sitting there staring at Hank on Christmas, I thought he’s right here with us, Ryan is all around us. This is where Hank remembers him, this is where Hank would run and jump into his arms, this is where we last saw each other, where we had our last kiss, where I last touched him. I cried. Then I smiled. Then I didn’t want to leave that airport. I was able to turn a place I hated into a place I loved, and I’m proud of myself for that. 

I’m sitting here now, on my patio in San Diego, watching Hank play with his new airport toy I got him and I’m crying, I’m also smiling. 

 Merry Christmas everyone. Thank you so much for all the love, all the support, I truly am so grateful ❤️